Well, I said I would get to these advice questions within a week, and it’s been ten days. I’m committed to making progress here!
My day job has been intense this week and I’m PMSing to the point of going years back on my cat Cookie’s former foster mom’s instagram page to look at kitten pics of him at 2 in the morning then making my boyfriend wake up and look at the pictures too then crying myself to sleep. Meanwhile THERE WAS A HEATWAVE IN NY in case you didn’t hear. Meanwhile Love Island left us on a huge cliffhanger on Tuesday night and I forgot Wednesday is goddamned Aftersun night (aka no new episode). All of this, a chaotic combo that left me defenseless against going out in public in this outfit in broad daylight:
I’ve also been super busy with something exciting this week - launching the campaign for a short film I wrote called THIRST TRAP! It’s going into production this summer and I don’t know if I’ve ever been this excited about anything in my career. The production team and cast are growing with more and more incredible, talented people and I’m truly in all earnestness honored that they want to be a part of bringing my writing to life. If you’d like to learn more about the short film, check out our indiegogo fundraising campaign :)
Speaking of EARNESTLY HONORED that’s exactly how I feel about 4 the Drama readers writing in with advice questions for my new column ASK 4 THE DRAMA! THANK YOU all who took the time to write in!
I am not an expert in anything besides my cats’ favorite spots around the house but…
READER 1 ASKED 4 THE DRAMA: How do I manage anxiety with moving across the state?
Anxiety management is one of the greatest quandaries of my life. I left every sleepover before college early with a “stomach ache” and was having panic attacks about what happens after death before I learned my times tables.
Wrenching a sense of control from my surroundings became a security blanket for me at a very young age and what I keep learning over and over again into adulthood is that control is nearly impossible in most situations, especially when moving. Moves almost never go as planned and that can be tough when you’re as maladaptive as I am. The control security blanket is rendered unreliable by most life events and without it, I am left with the option to either freak out, or to try something new like acceptance (unimaginable).
I moved in with my boyfriend this year, and when the movers showed up hours late, my grasp on sanity began to weaken, and continued to diminish throughout the day. I totally shut down and missed out on enjoying the excitement of taking this next step with my partner. During another move years ago, my downstairs neighbor got annoyed at the sound of us carrying boxes out and I collapsed into the fetal position crying. I’m trying not to judge myself for my reactions in either of these situations because moving absolutely sucks and is stressful no matter what BUT I do want to work on growing my distress tolerance so that I can maintain even the tiniest connection to the present moment when things go awry.
There’s a prayer I learned in AA that starts with “God/universe/higher power, help me set aside everything I think I know about this situation so that I may have a new experience.” Though I’m not sure where I stand on the power of prayer, I find this sentiment helpful since I pretty much always think I know everything about how every situation will go and it usually plays out poorly for me when I brace for the worst or set my expectations too high for the best.
Another thing I’ve been working on in therapy is talking to my OCD/anxiety as if it is separate from me, and telling it that whatever it’s worried about “is most likely fine” or “can most likely wait” (there are obvious exceptions to this rule but completing my gallery wall in one night is not one of them). I rarely remember to practice this but the few times I have it’s been helpful.
I get really frozen and out of touch with my body in moments of extreme stress so it can also be helpful for me to do something totally distracting even when I’m like “BUT WAIT IT’S TIME TO PANIC AND FIGURE THIS URGENT SITUATION (GALLERY WALL) OUT NOW!!!” just going for a walk to get coffee, calling a friend or listening to ten minutes of a funny podcast can be a game changer. Real Housewives recaps, particularly from Garbage World, are meditative in my experience.
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READER 2 ASKED 4 THE DRAMA: Reaching out for friendship advice. I have a best friend who has been single for about 6 years now. We're in our mid-30s and a lot of our friend group are in serious relationships (I've been dating my partner for about a year after years of dating ups and downs) or are married. She has asked for help in meeting someone and I certainly want to help; she has created her own version of a Biodata (à la Indian Matchmaking) and shared it with me. How can partnered people better support their single friends as they try to meet someone? Thanks so much for your time and attention to this question!
I deeply get this from both sides, Reader 2! When I was single, I chronically asked friends to set me up with people. Speaking for myself only, my requests usually came from an unhealthy place. I remember the feeling of urgency to make something happen in my love life so I could escape reality and have a new shiny thing to focus on/feel validated by. Watching friends get married and partner up and start families definitely fueled that sense of urgency and I really struggled with comparing myself to others (still do). Despite my constant requests for an introduction to the hot friend in their instagram stories, the most helpful ways my friends showed up for me (whether they were partnered or not) when I was single didn’t involve matchmaking. They showed up for me by answering my texts/voice notes recapping the dates I went on, offering solicited advice on what to message someone on Hinge, and just being my friends the same way they’re always my friends.
I once asked a friend to please URGENTLY set me up with someone right after I cried at a baby shower because a person I had a one night stand with showed up with their new fiance. Looking back, crying over a cigarette and begging for a date may not have given the best impression that I was ready to engage in an intimate partnership with someone important to them.
My one night stand’s engagement and my friend’s pregnancy had nothing to do with my personal life circumstances and my inability to realize that at the time made it difficult for me to show up for and contribute positively to the celebration of the baby shower. Being single is hard and being in a relationship is hard and comparing these experiences is virtually impossible and also pointless but I’ve definitely been guilty of making others’ romantic milestones about myself, which I don’t know if your friend is doing at all, but I do get a sense you may feel a responsibility for her romantic situation based on the difference in your current relationship statuses.
It’s hard to not to walk on eggshells around the topic of relationships with single friends especially when, as you mentioned, you know what it’s like to be single and to go on bad date after bad date and get ghosted by a self-employed life coach with hair plugs etc. It sounds like you have a lot of compassion for your friend and want to show up for her and I think that’s great. In my own experience, I have often felt guilty when telling single friends that I met someone or that we’re moving in together, etc and what I’ve found is that when friends’ responses reinforce that guilt, it usually means they are not in a place to show up for me in a mutually supportive way and I can set boundaries around that. It’s completely normal to be jealous or to want what others have OF COURSE but being a good friend requires at least pretending to be happy for someone when they get engaged IMO!
I don’t know if you want to set this friend up with someone or if the prospect of that makes you uncomfortable, but what I do know is that your only responsibility to her is to be a good friend, which it sounds like you are already doing, and you do not owe her a matchmaking service in addition to that but if matchmaking for her is something that would be fun for you that’s a different story!
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That’s it for this week’s installment of ASK 4 THE DRAMA! If you’d like to submit an anonymous advice question and receive my non-expert feedback you can fill out the form at this link!